As 2009 came to a close, the last few weeks were used to cram for final exams, pack to go home, and contemplate all the wonderful lessons and blessings God has gifted me with last year.
I realized that I lost myself. I have been a lost soul for a while now. I haven't been the same since junior year. I think I was so burnt out. Well after junior year, I experienced a lot of disillusionment. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to handle the ugly truth about the world, the cruel intentions and actions of people, acceptance of my capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses. I didn't know how to handle my insecurities and that in itself made me insecure.
My past also caught up with me, running that extra stretch with vigor and force in the last few seconds of the race. I had this realization of waking up in the mirror and realizing it was me I was actually looking at...for a while I would look at its relfection and not recognize the person I was staring at.
I'm not going to lie, I felt horrible because I didn't have faith or hope in the decisions I've made. Because of the conclusion of my teenage angst, and on to adult disillusionment, I became a bitter, brittle, ugly, cynical, and heartless person. I didn't know the stupid decisions I made on these emotions would make such an impact on my future. I didn't think to realize that one day being the person that I am, I was going to look back and think about how much of an idiot I was...how disgusted I am with myself for letting myself hit rock bottom.
At the end of the day, I don't have any regrets. Everything that happened needed to happen to make me the person I am today, and make me learn the lessons that I needed to learn to be a person of value, dignity, and integrity.
Towards the end of 2009, I couldn't even bear to think that I was even worthy of living. I didn't deserve to live with all the pent up hate, insecurities, and desolation I felt for the world, for my existence, for the people that cared about me. I was too stupid to not care about myself. I was too blinded by the things I couldn't have because I wasn't meant to have them and they were all just empty needs-there for self and instant gratification, satisfaction, and reaped no rewards. Oh lust, sex, greed, and gluttony, all the evil crimes that have corrupted and taken advantage of my vulnerability, my loss of sanity, my insecurities. I became crazy because I was so scared. I was so scared that the decisions I made were too late to erase and that I really didn't know anything.. I didn't know how to live, love, or be happy anymore. I was dead.
It was expecially hard knowing that everyone around me had so much faith in my ability, in my decisions that I wept at the thought of them actually meaning their thoughts. I thought they were just bullshitting me by saying that I had potential and motivation, and that I was moving in the right direction. They say I've never given them a reason to doubt me. They say that I'm always going to be okay in the end. Well I didn't listen. I just proceeded to make myself deteriorate mentally and physically. I killed myself. I killed my goals, my dreams, my hope, and most importantly my faith in myself.
I really don't know how to recover from this. There's not much anyone around me can do to make me feel better. I just need to stop thinking and doing more. I need to make better decisions. I need to try and be a better person. I need to think about and do things that will help my attain what's left of my goals to invent new ideas and things to try that will of course affect me in a positive way, will give me a positive boost on my self esteem. I need that. I need to have more self confidence and I know that starts with believing in the choices I made and that is based on the motivation and determination I feel , feed on, and need to strive for. I know I need to change. And it starts with me never loosing sight of that goal because I am sick of hating myself. I am so sick of feeling shitty. I am sick of feeling like I'm being suffocated. I don't want to come back to this point in my life anymore. I don't want to relapse into this phase of unhappiness, of darkness, of desolation. I don't want to ever be here in this point mentally, emotionally, and physically again. I just don't.
Well today is 2010. Thank God it is a new year. It definitely was necessary for me to internalize what was stated earlier. What better way to straighten out my life than an actual declaration of change that is recognized collectively in the world. It helps that there are people around me striving to change, to be better, and to be happier. I will try to internalize that. I want to be happy too. I want to be free and fly.
Along the way, in the middle all this madness there have been alot of people who have stepped into and out of my life. Every one of them has influenced me in a siginificant way.. no matter how short or long I have known them. I dissect their personalities, observe their traits, and pick up my own lesson I can learn from them. But many praise and gratitude must go to my parents, my family, my friends, and my love.
First of all I would like to thank my parents for their constant cooperation, love, and devotion they have to the family financially, mentally, and emotionally. There are moments where I know we get into a heated argument and we want to rip each other's hair out, where we want to weep, scream, cry and hit each other sometimes. I know that there are fights that bad. But what relationship with parents is perfect before it gets to its own rock bottom. I know we needed this to be the way we are now. I want to be honest with them. I want them to know I am thankful for their love and eternally endebted to them in every way. In any case, I want to thank them for cooperating financially with school and tuition, loans, scholarships, college application fees, gas, books, trips going to and back from school. everything just everything. I AM SO THANKFUL.
Secondly Id like to that my family for never letting go. I know there are times where I'm quiet, antisocial, standoffish, cynical, fake, and sad. But you never cease to try and include me, to cheer me up, to talk to me. Thank you. thank you. thank you. I know my emotions or my presence may show otherwise but just remember your consistency has helped me battle with all the other changes that occuring my my life right now.
Id also like to take a little time to talk about my brother. I know you are going through a lot right now. So much angst, anger, regret, confusion, pessimism, and pretentiousness. I know that you feel like your own family is abandoning you but just remember that this is all made up in your head and I know that right now flat out telling us whatever is on your mind is not always easy and not a viable option because you expect us to read your mind and then leave you alone or know exactly what to do. I know that you feel like no one is supporting your endevours by not going to your concerts, not driving you to your rehearsals, not taking you to your luke meetings but always remember that we are there supporting you mentally, and we are so proud of everything you have accomplished. And know that you are not making and wrong decisions. You are feeling things that are everyone else is experiencing and be humbled by the fact that it is communal. Take advantage of that. Reach out to other people and love wholely as I am trying to do myself.
Id also like to have a big warm hug for my roomate and Ate. You both have listened and loved my unconditionally and heard and seen me at my worst. You both know my whole life and have not judged me for being an ugly person or making stupid decisions. You try to love me as I am and I am grateful for that. Even though we have disagreements and fights and seem unloving, I just wanted to tell you you I really do love you. I care and I am sorry I have failed as a sister and as best friend. I don't want to let you down anymore.
Lastly but perhaps not the most unimportant, is my love Gregory. No words or feelings can explain what I see, what comes over me when I think of you. I can't imagine what my life would be without you, with you, and us giving up on this relationship. I can't see myself without you. Too much time, effort, and money have been spent just for us to walk away and never know what is truly capable of becoming of us in the future. I know there are times where I have wavered and become indecisive. I know there are times where you have had it with me and my insanity but you are here still with me. You give me stability and hope that redemption is possible. You give me motivation to strive for something so selfless and bigger than myself. I've never and wanted to be with anyone like this and perhaps this feeling is completely foreign. But I know for a fact I want to feel it with you. I just can't see anything working out otherwise. With you I gain clarity, sanity, love. Everything that I want that is pure and surreal and clean is with you. I made the mistake of giving up that feeling one two many times but I don't want to be ignorant and stupid and full of pride anymore. I'm not afraid to say I trust you and I am madly in love with you. Please do not give on me. I promise I can change.
There is a long road ahead of me...I hope that you all will be there to hold my hand to walk out of the tunnel and finally see the light.
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